Clutter F**k Club – Toxic Friends

If your life is a Clutter F**k, you’ve come to the right blog. Whether you want to shed pounds, toxic people, bad relationships, bad habits, bad karma, bad debt, old technology, mind-numbing jobs, closet clutter, debris-filled drawers, garage garbage, collateral damage, filthy finances, litter-filled lavatories, rubbishy rec rooms or scrap heaps of scrapbooks, the Clutter F**k Club will be held every Tuesday. We’ll discuss ways to rid our lives of every kind of clutter so we can make room for positive, life-affirming energy!

There’s a ton of stuff written about toxic relationships between the sexes. But what about toxic relationships between girlfriends? I’ve had a few in my lifetime, and they’re not easy to navigate.

Here’s my personal Five-Step program on how to deal with toxic girlfriends. It worked for me. Disclaimer: I’m a novelist, not a psychiatrist. If this doesn’t work for you, well, what did you expect from someone who dreams up stories in her head?

Step One – Recognition

This can take a while. I’m the kind of person who takes a friend at face value. My best relationships include balance, respect, give and take. So if you’re naive like me, expecting that everyone out there is just like you, it’ll gradually dawn on you (over a period of months or years) that this isn’t happening with your friendship. You’ll realize that you don’t enjoy spending time with your girlfriend anymore. You’ll feel like she’s sucking your soul dry, and you’re not getting any emotional support in return. Your friendship is no longer a tennis match, it’s a one-woman monologue of misery, and you’re the only one in the audience.

Step Two – Communication

As soon as you recognize you’ve got a toxic friendship on your hands, you owe that person an honest conversation. The mature thing to do is to sit her down and tell her how you feel, and what your needs are in the friendship. The immature thing to do is to screen her calls and make excuses every time she wants to meet up. I’ve tried both methods. The mature way is much harder, and the immature way makes you feel very guilty.

Step Three – Fallout

Don’t kid yourself, there will always be fallout, and it’s never pleasant. The truth is I’ve never been able to repair my toxic relationships. They always end badly. Probably because they’re toxic. If you’re dealing with somebody who’s needy or neurotic or jealous or psycho, they’re not going to appreciate your honesty and change the way they behave. Only real friends do that. Toxic friends have problems that are much bigger than one conversation can fix. It’s about them, not you.

Step Four – Closure

Once you’ve ‘broken off’ the friendship, stay firm. Try not to feel guilty. You WILL feel guilty, I’m just advising that you try not to. How? I have no idea. I feel guilty about everything. But don’t allow them back into your life. I’ve never had any regrets. Only a huge sense of relief.

Step Five – Prevention

Prevention IS the best medicine. Don’t allow toxic people close enough to become your friend. Here are some red flags: Calling too much, talking too much (without an equal amount of listening), gossiping about mutual friends, making snide remarks about your significant other, being overly critical, not respecting your privacy, taking advantage of your generosity, feeling played or used after an encounter.

Do you have any toxic friendships in your life? If you had the courage to press the ‘eject’ button, how did it feel?